So... there has been SO much going on in the last 2 months. Starting on September 28th, 2011 i finally confessed to Ashley that I had been living in sin. i had been looking at porn very regularly since before we were married. there were some breakthroughs for a couple of those months, but mostly i was doing this almost every day. it started with my smartphone, i knew as soon as i got that i was going to be able find porn on there. i figured that it would just be every now and then, and i wouldn't let it get out of control or nothing, and that once we got married it would stop because i wouldn't have to deal with this temptation anymore because we were going to be able to have sex. These were all lies that i listened too, sin is never something that u can just do sometimes, and it always gets out of control when its allowed. This was a trap like most sins are for ppl, i tried so hard to get out of it by myself, but never succeeded.
There were so many times that i would want to cry out for help because of sermons that i heard or just because of feelings of guilt and condemnation were so strong and i just wanted them to stop. I had an accountability group that had my back and i would tell them about my failures and they would try to help me. They would encourage me to confess to Ashley my sin, i couldn't do it. Ashley had expressed to me her hatred for pornography and the way that men think about women a few times, and that made me scared to tell her. I would think, "what if she wants to divorce me?" We had just gotten married and i loved her so much, so i reasoned in my head that i couldn't tell her.
This went on for over a year. Finally after hearing a sermon on how Jesus can sanctify us, or cleanse us, i decided that i was going to tell Ashley. I wanted it to be the perfect time though, like some weekend when there wasn't anything going on so that we could spend the time to talk it out. That perfect time didn't seem like it was coming, and i was quickly figuring out ways to talk myself out of it. I would say to myself "I will trust in God for deliverance and then once i have been completely freed from it i will tell Ashley about how i used to struggle with it." Bad idea. Ashley had a dream one night that i was cheating on her, so she asked me, just to make sure, if anything like that was going on. So i knew that this is my chance, and so i told Ashley the whole truth!
i figured that since i was finally doing what God wanted me to do that He would reward me for it and things would be smooth sailing from there. it wasn't. It took a long time for Ashley to really be able to understand more of my struggle. We both were reading books talking about men and porn. She found one for women, "Every Heart Restored", and i read "Every Man's Battle" and "Pure Eyes". All great books that helped us both. The "Pure Eyes" book really helped me to understand that it was an addiction and that there were so many triggers that i didn't even realize, like emotional triggers, i had no idea that when i was angry or sad it was so much easier for me to talk myself into sinning.
Since i finally confessed to Ash my sin it has been so much easier to battle temptation. It was the hardest and best thing that has ever happened in our marriage! We heard from books and from other ppl that this is something that we would always have to deal with, but today as we were having our Jesus time in our living room Ash came across a promise, Psalm 3:3-4 "You are a shield around me, O Lord; You bestow glory on me and lift up my head. To the Lord I cry aloud, and He answers me from His holy hill." 3:8 "From the Lord comes deliverance. May your blessing be on your people." We do NOT have to deal with this forever, God has promised to redeem and sanctify us for His glory and we need to take Him on His word that He really will sanctify us!
Enough of this weak battle that we have been fighting, men and women, we need to stand on God's promises that He will take care of us. My prayer is that we can be radically obedient to God and do whatever He wants us to do. We were created for one purpose, to GLORIFY GOD WITH EVERYTHING!! lets do it and not let sin and temptation hold us back and make us fear. Since my confession God has been able to work in both Ashley and i so much and i want to share with the world, but i can only do so much at one time, so hopefully i can share more soon..
--JR.
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